A few weeks ago the #RockRetractions meme was all the rage on Twitter. I had a great time with it, though by now you'd never be able to find my contributions, owing to the ephemeral nature of the medium.
However I did have the foresight to save them as I wrote them, so here they are once more, all in one place and in chronological order. Enjoy.
- Hey Jude. Know what? I've been thinking about this for a while: do what you want. Who am I to tell you what you should do?
- S-S-S-Somebody else's Sharona.
- Lessor of a lonely heart because of the great finance terms. They threw in matching floor mats, too.
- You can try, Miss Lizzie, but I have really good equilibrium.
- Strawberry Fields for five more minutes, then straight up to bed!
- Sorry, Beethoven. You don't have to get up after all. I didn't see that Tchaikovsky is already on Google News. My bad.
- We just took a vote on it in the kitchen and decided that we are going to take it after all.
- Hey, Peter. What's happening? If you could just go ahead and stop thinking about tomorrow, that'd be greeeeaaaat. #lumbergh
- Welcomed as Liberators on Main Street.
- "Can you hear me Major Tom?" [click] "Yeah. Sorry; I had the batteries in backwards."
- We're going to do our darndest to rock you, but we can't make you any promises, okay?
- Maybe I was being a little harsh just then. After some reflection I have decided that I will do what you tell me.
- Two out of three kinda blows.
- Actually this *is* a party. It's a disco. Just be careful, because there's bound to be a lot of fooling around in here.
- Sgt. Pepper's Don't Ask Don't Tell Band
- Tenth Avenue Meltdown
- She blinded me with creationism!
- Found my religion! It was in the pocket of my Phillies hoodie the whole time. I hadn't worn it since that game last May.
- Disheveled, cranky people.
- Sir! Drop the electrodes and step away from the monkey! Do it now!
- I hate to admit it, but it is kinda fun sometimes being an illegal alien.
- I wouldn't mind working right about now. The drums can wait.
- Aborted in the USA
- Q: War. What is it good for? A: Halliburton.
- All I did was give the sheriff a wedgie.
- Okay Sally, time to get up. My arms fell asleep.
- 25 or 6 to-- Wait a minute; can't find my glasses... Hard to see from here. We really should get a digital clock already.
- And she's leasing the stairway to Heaven with an option to own.
- If that diamond ring don't shine, he's going to find the receipt and bring it back for a full refund or maybe an exchange.
- I just figured out my cruise control. I should be able to drive 55 pretty consistently from now on.
- Dude looks like Justin Bieber.
- Okay, let's try this again: walk THAT way!
- Scientists at the Hagar Institute confirm the discovery of yet another way to rock, bringing the total to 17.
- Stroke someone else. I'm spent.
- Should I stay or should I go--or should I just grab a nosh and come back in about an hour?
- It's called Irritable Bowel Syndrome and it's not fun, so I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me "The Breeze".
- Having a long distance relationship with disaster.
- Hell Bent for Polyester.
- Where the streets all have names, but they're really twisty and stuff, so you might want to bring your GPS.
- Satellite of benign tolerance.
- Lunch Rush at The Oasis.
- The high cost of a good divorce lawyer will keep us together.
- If you don't know me by now, I can stick around for maybe another ten minutes, but that's it.
- Let It Clot.
- Since you already know Peggy Sue, then I guess it's safe to assume that you know exactly why I feel blue.
- Welcome back my friends to the show that has a 15 minute intermission between acts 1 and 2. 50/50 tickets will be sold.
- Everyone around the world: current data suggests that you are not yet ready for a brand new beat. Sorry.
- Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man! Knock it off!
- I really wanted an old drug. Y'mind checking in the back one more time?
- I *am* going to keep on loving you, baby. I just need a few minutes, that's all.
- The Magical Mystery Tour just passed right by your house. Didn't even slow down or anything.
- We're gonna rock *that* town instead.
- It's a girl, Mrs. Walker. It's a girl.
- Not saying a word about my generation.
- Four born in Ohio.
- Well hello, Mr. Soul. I've come to see if you have planned for your future and the future of your loved ones.
- Maybe I'm amazed at the way you never return my calls.
- Rock Me, Ahmadinejad
- By the time we got to Woodstock the place was like a pig sty! Feh!
- Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe. And this ash tray. And this paddle game. That's all I need.
- You are refreshingly modest. I'd bet that you couldn't care less who this song is about, could you?
- It's not such a long way to the top after all. I had my GPS set for kilometers instead of miles. Oops!
- My my, hey hey. Rock and roll is here for the time being, but will eventually fade into relative obscurity.
- Mississippi Queen, let me try to explain myself one more time...
- Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, you're dead meat.
- Walk Like a Chasidum.
- Please, baby--only go part of the way. It feels kinda weird being with you here tonight.
- "What's the matter with the car I'm driving?" "Nothing, really. Lots of leg room, decent gas mileage, cupholders..."
- No, I don't feel like you do. I'm actually going to lie down for a little while, if that's okay.
- No, I don't feel like you do--but thanks for asking. Such a nice boy. Tell your mother I said hello, would you?
- I think that maybe it's time for me to play Sun City. Who's with me?
- My love does it "well"? Are you sure about that?
- When you were young and your heart was a cold, black pit of despair, crying out for the sweet release of death...
- Nobody does it better. Except--remember our vacation in Cabo when I was *really* late for dinner that one night?
- Might as well face it--you're working the plan.
- I'm staying firmly on the rails on this most sensible of trains.
- Lookin' for fun and feeling kinda gassy.
- I got your fortunate son RIGHT HERE!!!
- Nothing in the way she does anything attracts me in the least.
- I have no idea why they call it the blues. Can I use my lifeline?
- I would walk a couple of miles, then drive the other 498.
- Gimme three steps, then close your eyes and count to ten.
- Journeyman of Puppets.
- What's new, Snoop Doggy Dogg? Whoa whoa whoa!
- I've seen *some* good people turn their heads each day, but I'm not satisfied. I'm staying put.
- Take me out, coach. I am SO not ready to play today.
- We are the sultans of pre-renaissance antiphonal choir music.
- Maggie May, I can't even look at you right now. We'll talk later.
- You're in my heart, you're in my soul, you're on my dress, Mr. President. Want your cigar back?
- Your honor, my client denies ever meeting "her" in a club down in old Soho.